


Everybody's Free (to Wear Mithril)

by ElliottRook



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-23
Updated: 2004-08-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:13:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23274547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElliottRook/pseuds/ElliottRook
Summary: Parody of Baz Luhrmann's song, "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)." Some paragraphs are addressed to specific characters/actors, otherwise it's just general advice. Some of the humor will make more sense if you've watched the documentaries/commentaries on the Extended Edition DVDs.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 1





	Everybody's Free (to Wear Mithril)

**Author's Note:**

> Holy crap, over a decade after I originally wrote this, I was approached by Akaihyou, who wanted to make it a podfic, and now it's a full-on parody _song_ that you can listen to! It's linked down at the end of this fic, please go and listen, it's absolutely exactly what I imagined and I could not be more tickled that it's a thing that actually exists in the world now <3

Ladies and gentlemen of the cast and characters of Lord of the Rings, wear mithril.  
  
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, mithril would be it. The long-term benefits of mithril have been proved by Dwarves and Hobbits battling cave trolls, whereas the rest of _my_ advice has no basis more reliable than my own insane random observations.  
  
I will dispense this advice...now.  
  
Bilbo, enjoy the power and beauty of your unusually unending youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your unusually unending youth until you've passed the One Ring along. But trust me, after the Return of the King Extended Edition comes out, we fans will look back at Fellowship, and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you, and how fabulous you really looked.  
  
Sean Astin, you were never as fat as you imagined.  
  
Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to destroy the One Ring by chopping at it with an axe. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you after Bilbo disappears from his eleventy-first birthday party.  
  
Do one thing every day that scares you, it makes the fangirls go "AWWW!"  
  
Sing drinking songs.  
  
Don't be reckless with your fangirls' hearts, don't put up with Mary-Sues who are reckless with yours.  
  
Read.  
  
Frodo, don't waste your time on getting someone else to take the Ring. Sometimes you'll almost convince someone, sometimes they'll ask you not to tempt them. The quest is long, and in the end, the power to resist the Ring is only within yourself.  
  
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell Gimli how to apply it to what he hears about Galadriel.  
  
Frodo, keep Bilbo's red book. Throw away his magic jewelry.  
  
Eat.  
  
Aragorn, don't feel guilty if you don't know where to lead the Fellowship after Amon Hen. The most intriguing background characters in the book didn't have a whit of advice for the Ringbearer. Some of the _most_ intriguing characters didn't even know Frodo _was_ the Ringbearer.  
  
Get plenty of lembas.  
  
Frodo, be kind to your ring finger, you'll miss that when it's gone.  
  
Frodo, maybe you'll be finished after getting to Rivendell, maybe you won't, maybe you'll get away from Amon Hen alone, maybe you won't, maybe you'll eventually claim the Ring for yourself, maybe you'll see why it was a good thing that pity stayed Bilbo's hand. Whatever you do, don't congratulate youself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.  
  
Enjoy your Lothlórien cloak. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest disguise you'll ever own.  
  
Sam, dance, even if Frodo has to make you ask Rosie.  
  
Actors, read the books, even if you don't follow the plot until you see the animatic.  
  
Do not look in Galadriel's mirror, it will only make you feel insignificant.  
  
_Master and gardener together will make it to Mount Doom_  
_Someday Gollum will take you and guide you there_  
_We know Frodo's been hurting but Sam's been waiting to be there for him_  
_And he'll be there, just helping him out_  
_Whenever he can_  
  
Faramir, get to know your father. Otherwise you'll never know when he'll try to burn you to death.  
  
Boromir, be nice to your brother, he's your best link to your past and the person most likely to stick up for you when you're dead.  
  
Understand that friends come and go, but with a preciousssss few, you should hold on.  
  
Gandalf, keep working hard to bridge the gaps in geography and race, because the wiser you get, the more you will need the libraries in Minas Tirith and Rivendell.  
  
Legolas, live in the Glittering Caves once, but leave before it makes you hard. Gimli, live in Mirkwood once, but leave before it makes you soft.  
  
Travel...but avoid Mordor if at all possible.  
  
Accept certain inalienable truths: new powers will rise, wizards will change colors, you too will get old, and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, new powers were reasonable, wizards wore the same clothes forever, and children respected Gandalf even if he didn't bring fireworks.  
  
Frodo, respect Gandalf even when he tells you your magic ring is evil and doesn't bring fireworks.  
  
Arwen, don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a ride on your father's boat, maybe you'll have a kingly spouse, but you never know when either one might leave Middle-Earth forever.  
  
Theoden, don't listen too much to Gríma, or by the time you're forty you will look two hundred and eighty-five.  
  
Frodo, be careful whose heirlooms you take, but be patient with Bilbo who supplies them. His mithril shirt is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it to you is a way of fishing his past from the prequel, dusting it off, skipping over the burglar parts, and recycling it for more than the Shire is worth.  
  
But trust me on the mithril.  
  
_Master and gardener together will make it to Mount Doom_  
_Someday Gollum will take you and guide you there_  
_We know Frodo's been hurting but Sam's been waiting to be there for him_  
_And he'll be there, just helping him out_  
_Whenever he can_  
_Everybody's free, oh yeah_  
_Oh, everybody's free, oh yeah_

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Filk] Everybody's Free (to Wear Mithril)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177778) by [Akaihyou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaihyou/pseuds/Akaihyou), [lysandyra (pxssnelke)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pxssnelke/pseuds/lysandyra), [minnapods (minnabird)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnabird/pseuds/minnapods)




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